Flying, Falling and Finding Myself

This painting is called "When Pigs Fly" by Michael Sowa. It's one of my favorite paintings because it reminds me of jumping off the pier in Deltaville as a kid.  There hasn't been much pier jumping in my adult years.  There's been some floating around on the creek, but adults just don't run and leap off a perfectly good dock.  

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking, maybe what you might call soul searching.  It might even been considered something of a mid life crisis or some kind of AARP-membership-on-the-horizon-turning-50 meltdown.  Whatever you want to label it, I've been reflecting on life, choices I've made, choices I want to make, where I want to be and most importantly who I want to be.  Because somewhere along the line I completely misplaced the person that I was and that I was on the way to becoming. 

Fast forward to this Labor Day weekend.  I arrived in Deltaville in the evening on Thursday. 

I immediately walked to the pier.  The water was high, nearly touching the boards, and in that moment I wanted to run and leap off the end like I had all those years ago as a kid. But like I said, adults just don't run and leap off a perfectly good dock.

I stood there thinking about it- my heart wanting to and my mind telling me I'm too old and that it would be ridiculous. 

But something shifted in me.  I kicked off my shoes, removed my socks, emptied my pockets of my car keys and cell phone and ran and leaped off the end.  I savored the moment that I was flying even if only for a handful of seconds before plunging into the cool slightly salty water.  Going under, touching bottom and breaking the surface again I came up laughing (It sounds more graceful than it looked I'm certain).  

I jumped 3 more times half laughing half screaming while I flew over the water for about 3 seconds before gravity pulled me in and under.  

In those brief minutes of throwing myself off of the pier, I began remembering who I was supposed to be.  It was as if the creek water did the opposite of rebirth.  I wasn't emerging as something new, but rather something I always was and forgot about along the way.

I've remembered that I'm supposed to be the girl who laughs like a loon before running and leaping off a dock into a salty creek.

 

Reflections

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

~George Bernard Shaw

Look within!... The secret is inside you.
 ~Hui-Neng

Having had some time to think about things and life in general,

I've decided on a course of action for the coming year.  

It comes down to the fact that no one has control over our lives or emotions other than ourselves.  

No one can make someone happy, no one can make someone unhappy.  

It is our reaction to the stimulus that creates the mood. 

So don't react in a negative way.  

Change your response.  

I used to think of this as a lonely photo.

If I was in one chair, who would be in the other?

Now I wonder why I need someone in the other chair at all because it would be a blessing to sit and feel the sun warming my skin and listen to the waves roll in and 

just be.

And if I choose to have someone be there, then I need to put someone there.

Stop fearing rejection. 

Stop with the negative self image.

I have decided, this is the year I turn things around.

This is the year I manage happy.